Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Erotic Adventures of Randy Rasmussen

(Scene 1: Pan from dark, overcast sky downward to reveal a desolate, snowbound stretch of highway. A white sign, half covered in ice reads US 50. Below that, another reads Ely 105 miles. From behind and to the right, brilliant white lights suddenly pierce the darkness, illuminating snow drifts blowing across the blacktop. A custom Peterbilt 18 wheeler growls past. Inside the cab, a toasty sanctuary from the bone-rattling cold, intrepid long haul trucker Randy "Dave" Rasmussen struggles to stay awake as pushes onward through the night toward Salt Lake City.)

RANDY: Gotta stay awake, "Dave". Only five hours to go.

(Randy stiffles a yawn and shakes his head as his radio crackles to life)

"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  Breaker breaker one niner any other road doggs howlin' tonight?  Come back.

RANDY:  I gotcha "Big Dick".  Whaddya hear?
"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  "Dandy Dave".  Is thatchoo? 
RANDY:  Thats a ten four, good buddy.
"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  Say-a "Dave", dispatch is hollerin' at me to pull off the road.  Says Austin summit is closed.   Says it wont open 'til tomorrow afternoon.   Is that gospel?  Over.
RANDY:  That's right, "Big Dick", the county mounties shut it down right behind me.  It's a dicey go twenty miles on either side too.
(Cut to scene 2:  A primer gray Dodge Neon, with an over-sized rear spoiler and mismatched custom wheels rests on the highway shoulder.  A solitary figure sits shivering behind the wheel.  Inside the poorly modified Mopar tomb, Kevin LaFontaine has begun to second guess his decision to not stop for gas in Ely.)
KEVIN LAFONTAINE:  Herrrrrrrrrrrrr Derrrrrrrrrr.
(Kevin sticks his index finger into his nose. He pulls it out and carefully examines a gummy wad of mucus showing a faint tinge of blood.)
KEVIN LAFONTAINE:  Derrrrrrrrrrr.
(Cut to scene 3:  Sheltering from the blizzard in her own custom Kenworth,  "Sweaty" Alice Negretti, listens idly to radio traffic while half-heartedly watching an episode from season 3 of her Melrose Place DVD collection.  She flexes her keigel muscles continuously, conscious of an ache deep inside and knowing only the solid thrust of a mans flesh cudgel could ease her emotional and sexual pain.)
"SWEATY" NEGRETTI:  (staring at her radio but speaking to herself)  I'm here, you sonsabitches.  Take me.  I'm here for the taking.
(The radio crackles)
"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  I'ma pull it over, east side of Eureka.  You up for some comp'ny  "Dave"?
RANDY:  Love to "Big Dick",  but I have to see this load through to Salt Lake before 10 am.

"SWEATY" NEGRETTI:  (to herself)  I'm right here, you sonsabitches.  I'll do ya both for a wink'n a smile.

(Cut to scene 4 - Subtitle: 45 minutes later...  Two custom Peterbilt rigs parked alongside the other.  One pointed eastbound idling languidly, the other pointed westbound, rocking violently side to side.  Muffled voices can be heard over the howling blizzard.)

RANDY:   (muffled)  Oh yeahhhh, brother.  Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Ride me like a rodeo champ.

"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:   Unnnnngh

RANDY:   Thats it, you big pecker!

"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  Aaaagghhhhhh 
(Cut to scene 5:  Inside "Sweaty" Negretti's rig.  Melrose Place credits scroll slowly up her video screen.)

"SWEATY" NEGRETTI:  Sonsabitches.

(she reaches for a medium size roll-on deodorant container)

"SWEATY"  NEGRETTI:  I can do this myself.

(she pulls the bottom of a silk teddy up toward her chin, revealing an exquitely trimmed minge, with a tiny "faux hitler moustache" patch of velvety pubic hair  just below her panty line)

"SWEATY" NEGRETTI:  Sonsabitches.

(Cut to scene 6:  Kevin LaFontaine, exhausted, frostbitten, and resigned to his fate remains slumped behind his steering wheel.  Frozen rivulets of snot plastered to his upper lip.)

KEVIN LAFONTAINE:  Hurrrrrrr Durrrrrrrrrrrr

(he farts, shudders, and surrenders to the cold)

(Cut to scene 7:  Inside the toasty confines of a custom Peterbilt, two nude men lie spooning in the sleeper cab.  The wiry hair on "Big" Dick Augney's stomach clinging like velcro to the thick, coarse hair matted generously over Randy "Dave" Rasmussen's ass.  The smells of armpit sweat, feces, anal lube and semen compete for supremacy in the confines of their love nest.)

RANDY:  I'm stretched wider than a bell-bottom pant leg.  Yeah.  Thats the stuff.   Thank you, "Big" Dick.

"BIG" DICK AUGNEY:  Any time pard'ner.  It was my pleasure...

RANDY:  (interrupts)  But I really gotta be on my way.  I have to see my load through to Salt Lake before 10am.

(Outside, a hot pink Kenworth blasts by. From its now slightly cracked windows wafts the faint, pleasant aromas of vanilla and tuna fish)

"SWEATY" NEGRETTI:  (sighs)  Sonsabitches.

(Cut to scene 8:  A custom Peterbilt roars past a stalled Dodge Neon, whose windows are now covered in frost.  The truck driver, Randy "Dave" Rasmussen, does a double take as he thinks in passing that he can make out the silhouette of a person slumped over the steering wheel.)

RANDY:  Sorry pal.  Can't stop now.  Those school children in Salt Lake need this load of pencils and I plan to see them through!

(The custom Peterbilt rumbles on through the night.)

To be continued...

(UPDATE  7:30pm:  title changed)

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